There’s a kind of poem, in a now legendary volume of Bill Watterson’s Calvin & Hobbes comic strip, that perfectly embodies how we feel just now. We’d like to transcribe it for you, but first we’d have to get our lawyer to negotiate the copyright, and we haven’t actually got a lawyer; though if you ask me, sitting through three seasons of Boston Legal ought to count for something other than an Emmy award for William Shatner. Or was it David Spade? Anyway.
The kind of poem’s called ‘Yukon Ho’, which is Canadian for not giving a hoot anymore, I think. It’s kind of our job to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past sometime soon, being a brash young trio of movie-bloggers for hire, but as far that goes, we’ve been procrastinating plenty; so we sat down in front of a bunch of DVDs we’re really fond of and tried tacking an explanation to our procrastination. (Rhyme’s a crime...in Turkmenistan.) The proof was in the pudding Michael keeps as a pet in his refrigerator – Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was none of those DVDs we’re really fond of, and nowhere near as brash as we are. So we buttered up some mayonnaise sandwiches and we procrastinated some more.
We quit procrastinating when we our imaginary frined Ezekiel pointed out a giant elephant in the room.
What if it didn’t end there...what if some crazy lady-director, or some really fruity man-one, made another Phosts of Girlfriends Gast – uhh – or another How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, or another Hitch, or another Christmassy bar-fest where Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet trade houses for no sane or rational reason? Or what if (tactfully-drawn-out-cries-of-astonishment!) Matthew McConnaughy made another movie?! (Feminine-scream-from-deep-inside-a-male-voicebox!) If we didn’t stop procrastinating and rise to halt this vampiric plague, it could overwhelm us all. And halt it we shall.
There’s a thin line indeed between There’s Something About Mary (a classic) and What Stays In Vegas (a North Korean torture technique); between Shallow Hal (a classic) and that Jack Black flick where Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet trade houses. For no sane or rational reason. We’ve had enough! – we will not coalesce to run-of-the-mill ‘cinema’ that makes a line-graph of love, pitting grown men and women in childishly grandiose situations that leave plenty of time over for perfect jobs and perfect lives, yet sparing scope for flawlessly ludicrous dates. We want more real movies about real comedic love, like Intolerable Cruelty, and My Super-Ex Girlfriend, and Borat.
It’s likely we’ll only stem the surge, what with The Proposal coming right up...but to our last breath we shall resist!
OVER THE TOP!!!
The Last Romantic Comedy You Saw Was...
CHOLA: Fool’s Gold. No, wait, it was the Bucket List. Does that count?
MICHAEL: Fired Up – I’m being completely honest.
LONGWA: What’s a romantic comedy?
The Last Romantic Comedy You Actually Liked Was...
CHOLA: Ally McBeal, which I never actually saw.
LONGWA: Which never actually was a romantic comedy.
MICHAEL: Don’t know, don’t care.
LONGWA: Hot-Rod. (MICHAEL: Are you serious – as in, seriously?)
CHOLA: Come on, Mikester! That’s going to look sh*tty when I type it up.
MICHAEL: I can’t say Fired Up – can I say The Other Boleyn Girl?
CHOLA: You are truly half-assing this now.
MICHAEL: I can’t say Wedding Date- I can’t come out of the closet NOW.
LONGWA: Then again aren’t all comedies romantic?
CHOLA: You found Superbad romantic?
LONGWA: That was a romantic comedy – Cera and Hill hooked up, didn’t they?
MICHAEL: You know what, screw it, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass.
CHOLA: Then you’re –uhh – you’re uhh... you’re fired!
MICHAEL: You can’t fire me, dipstick!
LONGWA: Forget him, he’s dead inside.
CHOLA: More like flaccid.
MICHAEL: NICK AND NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST! – JESUS!!!!!!
The Average Romantic Comedy Should Aspire To Be More Like...
LONGWA: Hot-Rod.
MICHAEL: Underworld Evolution. No, Queen of the Damned.
CHOLA: Patsies.
LONGWA: More romantic comedies should aspire to be more like patsies?
CHOLA: No, you’re patsies.
LONGWA: There should be no feelings in romantic comedies.
CHOLA: Fantastic idea, but that’s not the question. This douche just dropped two vampire-love flicks on us; you’ve got a thing for blood-based love?
MICHAEL: No – just sadder endings.
LONGWA: It’s messed up when you know exactly who’s going to hook up. Imagine if there were more body-snatchers in these things – you wouldn’t have a clue!
MICHAEL: The fellatio would be amazing.
CHOLA: Genius! I don’t even know what to say anymore. Romantic comedies should be more scientific-fictional-psychedelic!
LONGWA: What?
CHOLA: I said it in a sentence so it’s MINE!
+/- : What’s a romantic comedy? How do you define a romantic comedy exactly?
- : A piece of crap movie with a piece of crap notion that can’t be proved or disproved with real science. Love? Love, my tush.
+: What was Bring It On - was that a romantic comedy?
-: Now you’re just being a horn-dog. Okay, wait, maybe- did two people hook up at the end?
+: I hooked up with two people...in my mind...
-: I hate movies that start before they end.
-: Like romantic comedies.
-: Like romantic comedies. You’re presented with a scenario at the beginning, and you’re invited to play a guessing game which you’re probably going to win. I’d rather watch rugby, which I hate like fish.
+: I like fish.
-: They’re just not that funny. Why do they even call them romantic comedies?
-: Ever heard of a big-budget romantic comedy? It’s like we’re stuck in the Sixties, freaking sexually charged humour getting everybody off like we’re live at the Apollo.
+: I like the pretty actresses.
- : Notice all the actresses are pretty. I wanna see some big chicks get laid.
+/-: Wasn’t there some big love in Phat Girls?
- : No one watched it. Anyone who did ... (melodic tone) issues!
-: Are romantic comedies even romantic?
+: That’s like the tenth existential question you’ve asked today – what the hell, Charlie Brown?
-: There’s no... romance.
+ : People get laid and they make out. What more do you want?
-: Some heartfelt...kissing.
+: That’s what making out is, Virginia Wolfe.
-: Ha-ha! Virgin.
-: Kissing, kissing.
+: What, like Brokeback Mountain?
-: Now, there’s a romantic comedy.
+: Hell, I’m getting bored. Anybody wanna procrastinate?
