It Should Be A Movie!
2009/2010 NFL Season.
Director: Peter Berg, producer of TV’s Friday Night Lights; Terrence Malick, director of The Thin Red Line, will handle all scenes pertaining to the throwing of critical Hail Marys.
Cast: Entourage’s Adrian Granier as New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez (a few more pecs on there and the resemblance is startling), Philip Seymour Hoffman as Jets coach Rex Ryan, and Dexter’s Michael C. Hall as Tom Brady of the New England Patriots (what resemblance? Michael C. Hall is Tom Brady); Greg Kinnear as Pats coach Bill Belicheck, Robert Downey Jr as previously disgraced dog-violator Michael Vick, and a less tall Clint Eastwood as New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin; Luke Wilson as Giants quarterback Eli Manning, Josh Brolin as almost forty or maybe fifty Brett Favre, and SpiderMan3’s James Franco as the New Orleans Saints’ unstoppable Drew Brees; Ben Affleck as Tony Romo, the beefiest Culkin there is as Matthew Stafford, and Sam Rockwell as Peyton Manning.
We kind of think Rob Lowe could do a bang-up job as both Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart, both quarterbacks for the Arizona Cardinals. The man simply doesn’t age at all.
The Story! It must begin in New York, where it will in some sense end, with University of Southern California graduate Mark Sanchez getting off a plane to learn his fate in the annual draft. All the headlines are abuzz with fellow rookie Matt Stafford almost certainly on his way to Detroit, a city blighted by dire economic times and even worse football scores for its hometown Tigers. But it’s not all about the newcomers, in yet another exciting run-up to the new season – the immediate future of one or two veterans of potent name hang in the balance too.
Brett Favre, legendary leader of Wisconsin’s Green Bay Packers for so long, is wrestling with a shoulder that isn’t quite what it used to be, and mulling a move to Packer rivals the Minnesota Vikings, partially because they’re the Minnesota Vikings, and partially because they’re the only team that’ll have him. Kurt Warner, too, is counting up the years, after leading the Cardinals to their first Super Bowl in a healthy ol’ while – it kind of complicates things, that young Matt Leinart is throwing the ball a lot like he used to in college.
The Philadelphia Eagles stun the nation by giving Michael Vick a second chance, not too long after his incarceration on charges of animal cruelty two years ago now, for dog fighting. Starter Donovan McNabb, however, is in the shape of his life, and isn’t going to roll over easily for any re-instated Superman. Tony Romo, in Dallas, is now Jessica Simpson free, and troublesome-teammate Terrell Owens-free, and needs to make his Cowboys team look like title-contenders. Kerry Collins is looking to recreate a perfect normal season last year for the Titans in Tennessee, but the NFL’s a notoriously fickle championship.
More significant than most other headlines is the fact that Patriots QB Tom Brady is back after injuring his knee on the first day of their last campaign, as Giselle Bundschen’s new husband and a father for the second time. Last time he played a complete season, the Pats went 18 and 0 before the Giants got in the way of their claiming a third Vince Lombardi trophy in four years.
But enough history. Matthew Stafford does eventually get drafted by the Detroit Lions, it’s been a longer time coming than the inauguration, to a mixed crowd of people roughly his age (we just expected the draft audience to be more suits and ties, but hey). The boos are a little deafening, ‘cause Stafford and the Lions together has kind of been a long time coming, but not really when Mark Sanchez steps up to shake on it with the Jets. A hell of a season is officially staring football fans in the face, when Brett Favre flies into Minnesota to put his Vikings deal in ink.
Last year’s Most Value Player Peyton Manning starts off swinging, making burger-meat of every team he throws against to help win the Colts their first five games – the last time Manning’s arm worked this way, they went on to become champions. The Titans, inversely, are a complete shadow of the team they were last time out, losing their first four. Drew Brees makes New Orleans a scary place to go, notching up win after win with 3+ touchdown passes per game (usually one will do). Talk is he’s the next Tom Brady, as Mr. Giselle starts off a little shaky against the Buffalo Bills, wary of that knee, but secures the win in the game’s dying moments in trademark Brady fashion. Director Peter Berg must pan out to show all of Foxboro stadium erupting at the return of the king.
Mark Sanchez defies the notion that rookies are mostly good for photo-shoots, by leading the Jets to a 3-0 start, including victory over their old rivals the Patriots. On the other side of New York, Peyton Manning’s younger brother Eli, a Super Bowl winner himself, is learning to throw the ball more, and the results are glorious. Two virtual shut-outs (Scores of zero for the enemy) see the Giants score well over thirty points twice, including away at the Cowboys brand new park. Romo is picturesque of the literary tragedy’s afflicted hero, a genius the atoms just won’t dance a tango for. A giant overhead screen at home and a pair of classy road-wins do little do stem the contemplative headlines, but Cowboys owner Gerry Jones vows to stick by his man.
All this, and we haven’t had to mention the reigning Super Bowl champions the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Brett Favre gets a respectful outing against former team the Packers, scoring the win with the kind of masterful play the sport’s Hall of Fame beckons his name for. The Denver Broncos, a young side with a young coach, match the Colts for 5-0, and have everybody wondering if silverware’s on their horizon.
Maybe it is. But in our movie, Eli’s Giants and Drew’s Saints clash in the NFC Final, and the Jets find themselves squared off against the seemingly unstoppable Colts in the AFC finale. An all New York final is set up, with both fixtures settled in overtime, and Mark Sanchez becomes the first rookie to win the Super Bowl in his first season since some guy called Kal-El. The recession finally ends, and the recovery finally begins.
Brett Favre retires again, having toiled like Mel Gibson in Braveheart in a playoff match against the Jets, but not for long. What would an NFL season even mean anymore, if Brett Favre didn’t pre-empt it with a little suspense?
He signs for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2010.
