ELECTORAL UPDATE!

KING KONG LABELS PHWOAR POLL A SHAM! - GODZILLA DEMANDS RETRIAL! - FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON! - READ ALL ABOUT IT!

In the wake of Barack Obama’s recent visit to Africa, the editors of your new favourite movie-blog declared the digital voting booth open for a poll to decide who your favourite movie-monster actually is. It’s been just over a week now since the contest was first announced, but emerging revelations suggest foul play may obstruct a fair result – both candidates, for varying reasons, are uncomfortable with Phwoar’s positioning in such an historic election.

On Wednesday, Chola Chisengalumbwe, head of Phwoar’s indie department, quite openly said the publication was considering giving movie-goers two votes – a verbal one at premiere screenings, and a point-and-click on the official web-page – in order to “inflate the numbers, and induce an ambiguity that would allow people to not only change their minds…but also blow this thing wide open.” The two-vote system was never implemented, and in a statement released by his campaign team on Thursday, King Kong claimed this was because early indicators suggested most people would readily vote for him twice, and enable him to carry the day by a landslide – a victory not entirely on the Phwoar team’s agenda.

“What nonsense,” refuted Chipo Phiri, fashion guru. “We talked it over Cokes and some chips and everybody agreed it was a daft idea.”

Later that day, Phiri and Chisengalumbwe made an appearance on Hot FM’s Ster Kinekor radio-show, and made comments that team Kong found downright defamatory. Cindy Thompson, a Kong staffer, elaborated.

“It’s one thing to endorse somebody, but they went on air and practically trashed the entire species. Their comments were disrespectful, discriminatory, and deliberately harmful to our candidate.”

(Chisengalumbwe’s exact words were he “would never vote for a monkey in any election,” and Phiri said he thought Godzilla had better fashion sense, “which in all fairness I’m paid to do.”)

“How is any of that relevant to just saying, Personally we prefer Godzilla?” Thompson emphasized. Godzilla operatives, at the time, could not be reached for comment.

24 hours later, Phwoar the journal, and not Phwoar the editors, officially endorsed Godzilla for Ster Kinekor’s honorary presidency, even though Michael Phiri, no relation, had yet to publicly back a candidate. Shortly after this, an apology was issued for any difficulties ‘movie-goers may have experienced in casting their votes’, which King Kong himself said was proof enough of an attempt to derail his campaign’s momentum. Phwoar editors could not be reached for comment, despite hanging out at the cinema halls all weekend.

Needing to grab a headline, Godzilla said he was up for a rerun, though observers suspect he had one eye on getting to eat a few more supporters. In campaign-stops made early Monday, King Kong kissed a few babies, and assured Japanese banks he would do whatever he could to restore them to global prominence; Godzilla ate a few babies, and promised Japanese banks he would put mustard on them first. If it should serve any purpose whatsoever, King Kong looked stately in a suit stitched up for him by a private Italian tailor; Godzilla, naked, said Tom Ford designed his tie.

Polls on Phwoar’s web-page were re-opened first thing Monday morning.